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The Relationship MOT

Hello and welcome back to The Therapist Diaries, 

During a consultation this week, a client mentioned that they and their partner had started doing regular relationship “check-ins” while navigating a difficult patch in their relationship. They described sitting down every couple of weeks to ask each other how they were feeling, what was working well, and what needed more attention.

I loved the way they framed it, not as a sign that the relationship was failing, but as a form of maintenance.

It is very similar to something I encourage in couples counselling, I call it, The Relationship MOT. 

In the UK, we understand the importance of an MOT for a car. Even if the vehicle seems to be running fine, regular inspections help identify small issues before they become major problems. Relationships are much the same.

Most couples wait until something feels seriously wrong before having meaningful conversations about connection, communication, intimacy, stress, resentment, or unmet needs.

But healthy relationships are not built on mind-reading or luck. They are built on ongoing attention.

A Relationship MOT is a dedicated conversation where both partners intentionally pause and assess the health of the relationship. I actually do them with couples as part of their intake for couples counselling.

This conversation is different from arguing in the kitchen after a stressful day or discussing logistics between school runs and work emails. 
A Relationship MOT is purposeful. It creates space to ask:

How are we really doing?
Are both of us feeling valued and supported?
What’s been going well?
What feels difficult right now?
What do we need more, or less, of?

Think of it as emotional maintenance rather than crisis management.

Small weekly or fortnightly check-ins can be incredibly powerful. Even 15–20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation can help couples feel more connected and emotionally attuned to each other.

These smaller check-ins might involve:
Stress levels
Household balance
Emotional support
Plans for the week
Appreciation and gratitude
Any small tensions before they build up

However, every so often, couples benefit from a deeper dive, a more reflective Relationship MOT.

For some couples, this may be every few months. For others, twice a year is enough. The timing matters less than the consistency.
The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness.

Many couples fall into patterns of assumption over time. We assume our partner knows we appreciate them. We assume they understand our stress levels. We assume they know what we need emotionally. Unfortunately, assumptions often create distance.

A Relationship MOT helps improve communication, reduce resentment, identify unmet needs early, Strengthen emotional intimacy, create shared goals, allow individuals to feel seen and heard, and overall it helps couples navigate life transitions more effectively. It also allows both partners to speak honestly before frustration turns into disconnection.

So what does a Relationship MOT actually look like I hear you asking. 

Well, the most important part of the process is creating a safe, non-defensive environment. This is not about “winning” or proving a point. It is about understanding each other better.
Choose a calm time, minimise distractions, and approach the conversation with curiosity rather than criticism.

Here are some helpful prompts:
Emotional Connection
* Have you felt emotionally connected to me recently?
* What helps you feel loved and secure in our relationship?
* Is there anything that’s been weighing on you emotionally?

Communication
* Do you feel listened to when we talk?
* Is there anything we need to communicate better about?
* Have there been moments where you felt misunderstood?

Support & Partnership
* Do you feel supported by me right now?
* Is our current balance of responsibilities working?
* What can I do that would make life feel easier for you?

Intimacy & Affection
* Are you happy with the level of affection and intimacy in our relationship?
* What helps you feel close to me?
* Is there anything you miss from earlier stages of our relationship?

Stress & Life Pressures
* What external stressors are affecting you most at the moment?
* How can we work as a team through this season?
* Are we protecting enough time for each other?

Growth & Future
* What do you want more of in our relationship?
* What are we doing well that we should continue?
* What goals or experiences would you like us to work towards together?

Relationships do not usually break down because of one single issue. More often, they struggle from small disconnections that go unnoticed over time.

A Relationship MOT is not about searching for faults. It is about remaining emotionally engaged with each other as both people continue to grow and change.

The healthiest couples are not the ones who never experience difficulty. They are the ones willing to pause, reflect, communicate, and reconnect along the way.

Hopefully you find this helpful! 



 Until next time- be kind to your mind.

—The Therapist Diaries


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