Hello and welcome back to The Therapist Diaries,
“Could you watch the kids for an hour so I can have a break?"
"Would you mind reaching that for me?"
"I need someone to listen."
These are such simple sentences, yet for so many of us they feel incredibly difficult to say. As a therapist, I often sit with clients who struggle to ask for help. Some worry they'll be seen as needy. Some don't want to inconvenience anyone else. Others have learned over the years that their needs come second, so they keep going, carrying everything themselves until they reach breaking point.
And sometimes, people have asked for help before and felt completely unheard.
I recently had a client who was trying to make a decision, and it was weighing heavily on her emotionally. One option felt selfish to her, but deep down she knew it was the choice that would be best for her wellbeing. The other option suited her partner and his family better. Summoning all her courage, she tried to explain why she was struggling with the decision. His response was, "Why don't you move your thing and then you can do the family thing?"
He wasn't trying to dismiss her. In his mind, he was helping her find a compromise where she could do both. He was trying to fix the problem the best he could. But for her, it felt as though her needs had been completely ignored. The thing she needed couldn't simply be moved around. She needed it now and putting it off could have had serious consequences for her wellbeing. She wasn't looking for a practical solution. She needed someone to understand just how important this was for her.
Taking the emotions out of it, neither of them was wrong. They were simply speaking different emotional languages. She was saying, "Please understand how much I need this." He was hearing, "Help me find another option."
In couples therapy, I see this happen in relationships all the time. One person reaches out for emotional support, and the other immediately goes into problem-solving mode. One person wants to feel heard, while the other genuinely believes they are helping.
And then both people end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
The truth is, asking for help is incredibly vulnerable. It means trusting someone else with our needs and hoping they'll respond with care. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they misunderstand. Sometimes they can't give us what we need, even if they want to. And sometimes, they just don't want to.
That doesn't mean we should stop asking.
Instead, it means we may need to ask someone else or become a little clearer about what we need. Sometimes saying, "I don't need you to fix this, I just need you to listen," can make all the difference. Other times we need to say, "This isn't something I can move around. I need you to not make me feel judged for this."
And perhaps most importantly, we need to remind ourselves that our needs matter.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that putting ourselves first is selfish. That everyone else's needs should come before our own. That being the strong one means coping alone. But taking care of your mental health or physical health isn't selfish. Needing a break isn't selfish. Asking for support isn't selfish.
You are allowed to need things from other people. You are allowed to ask for comfort, for understanding, for practical help, and for someone to simply sit beside you while you figure things out. The people who love us won't always get it right. We won't always ask in the clearest way either. Relationships are wonderfully messy because humans are wonderfully messy. But every time we ask for help, we practise something brave. We say, "I matter too."
A Mindfulness Moment
Take a few slow breaths and place your hand over your heart.
Ask yourself gently:
What do I need today?
Not what everyone else needs from you.
Not what you think you should do.
Just… what do you need?
Perhaps it's rest. Perhaps it's a hug. Perhaps it's an hour to yourself, a cup of tea in silence, or a difficult conversation you've been putting off.
Whatever the answer is, try to offer yourself the same kindness you so freely give to others.
And if that need requires support from someone else, remember this:
Asking for help is not weakness.
It's courage.
And you deserve to be heard.
If this resonates with you, perhaps today is the day to ask for the help you've been carrying alone.
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