Hello and welcome back to The Therapist Diaries,
As many of you know, my boyfriend and I went to school together. From age 11-16 we saw each other most days, shared a bus ride, and had similar friendships circles which overlapped quite a bit. As we reminisce over "the good old days", sometimes our memories don't match up. He has a brilliant memory about our time together and remembers things in much more detail than I do... and sometimes he remembers big events that I swear blind never happened.
Why is this?
Part of this comes from the fact that he just has a better memory than me. I definitely need to do a few more brain training activities in the morning before work. But another big part of it is that, quite simply, my boyfriend and I had different high school experiences, as we all did. The fact of the matter is that our teenage years are incredibly important for memory formation and anything that knocks us slightly off balance, has the potential to impact our memories or our ability to retain them.
Many adults are surprised to discover that their memories from childhood or adolescence are incomplete or inconsistent, especially when others recall the same period clearly. This experience is common and well-documented in psychological research, particularly among individuals who lived through chronic stress, trauma, or illness during their developmental years.
Memory is not an unbiased record keeper. Memory formation depends heavily on attention, emotional safety, and neurological (nervous system) stability. During periods of significant stress, the brain prioritizes survival over long-term memory storage. As a result, experiences may be only partially encoded, stored without detail, or not consolidated at all. *The consolidation of memories is when our brain takes our short-term memories and makes them long term.
Inconsistent memories do not indicate a cognitive deficit. Rather, it reflects an adaptive response by the brain under adverse conditions.
Trauma, especially when ongoing rather than isolated, can profoundly affect how memories are formed and retrieved. Experiences such as chronic illness, grief, harassment, neglect, or persistent fear may trigger dissociative responses, where an individual remains physically present but psychologically disengaged. When dissociation occurs, memory encoding is often weakened.
Importantly, trauma does not have to be extreme or life-threatening to impact memory. Chronic emotional stress can have similar effects, particularly during childhood or adolescence when the brain is still developing.
UK statistics show that teens and young adults have higher rates of depression and mental health problems than older adults. Around 1 in 5 children and teens have a mental disorder, rising to about 1 in 4 among 16–24-year-olds, which is the highest of any age group. Depression is associated with reduced concentration, slowed cognitive processing, and impaired attention, all of which are essential for forming autobiographical memories. Prolonged depressive states during formative years may result in “patchy” or blurred recall of that period later in life.
Our teens go through a lot, and everyone's story is different. So, of course, it's pretty common for two people who shared the same environment to remember it very differently. Emotional state, personal stressors, neurological factors, and perceived safety all influence how memories are encoded. One person’s clear recollection does not invalidate another’s absence of memory.
Adults with trauma-related memory gaps often report embarrassment, shame, or self-doubt. These reactions are rooted in cultural assumptions that memory reflects intelligence, attentiveness, or emotional investment. In reality, memory gaps often indicate that an individual was coping with more than their nervous system could comfortably process at the time. It never means that they weren't interested in what was happening.
From a clinical perspective, memory disruption in the context of childhood or adolescent adversity is best understood as a protective factor. The brain adapts to overwhelming circumstances by limiting exposure to distressing material, sometimes at the cost of detailed recall.
Memory gaps from early life are more common than many people realize, particularly among those who experienced trauma, chronic stress, depression, or illness. These gaps do not reflect weakness, failure, or emotional disconnect from the person or event. Instead, the gaps are often the residue of teenage resilience, evidence that the brain did what it needed to do to ensure survival during a difficult time.
If any of this is resonating and your memory gaps cause distress, interfere with current functioning, or are accompanied by emotional or physical symptoms, trauma-informed therapy can be beneficial. Such work focuses not on recovering forgotten details, but on building understanding, self-compassion, and present-day stability.
Until next time- be kind to your mind.
—The Therapist Diaries
For professional inquiries please visit Voyager Therapy
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