Relationships: Who Matters Most?

 Hello and Welcome Back to the Therapist Diaries, 

In my last post, I explored Love Languages and how understanding them can help us recognize our emotional needs and set healthy boundaries across our relationships. That post brought up a lot of emotions for a lot of people, and from the response I've summarized the feedback into one question: what happens when two people’s needs directly clash in a relationship, who matters the most?

Take the example of a couple who have just had an explosive argument. They're both hurt by the situation. If one partner needs space to calm down and reground themselves before reconnecting to move forward, while the other feels an urgent need to talk things through immediately to stop their thoughts spiraling, whose need takes priority? When meeting one person’s boundary seems to disregard the other’s, what’s the “right” thing to do?

Welcome to couples therapy where this exact dilemma shows up every single week.

I'm going to give my typical therapist spiel, this is something I say to every couple that brings this issue to my office, and I know that hearing it feels both relieving and frustrating BUT I'm going to say it anyway...it is not actually about whose needs are more important. In healthy relationships, we are not ranking needs. We are learning how to regulate ourselves well enough to respect two realities at the same time.

The problem usually isn’t the need itself. The problem is the nervous system underneath it.

In our above example, the partner who needs space is often trying to prevent escalation. Their body may be flooded, heart racing, thoughts jumbled, emotions high. Taking space is their way of avoiding saying something hurtful or shutting down completely. The partner who needs to talk immediately is often experiencing anxiety. Silence can feel like abandonment. Unresolved conflict can feel intolerable. Talking it through is their way of seeking reassurance and emotional safety.

Neither response is wrong. Both are protective.

Where couples get stuck is when each person interprets the other’s coping strategy as rejection.

“Why are you walking away from me?”
“Why won’t you just let this go for a minute?”
“You don’t care enough to fix this.”
“You’re trying to control me.”

Now we’re no longer arguing about the original issue. We’re arguing about what the argument means.

Here is the clinical truth: in contradicting needs, regulation comes before resolution.

If one partner is emotionally flooded, no productive conversation will happen. If the other partner is highly anxious, indefinite silence will increase distress. So, the goal is not choosing one person’s need over the others. The goal is sequencing.

For example:
“I need 30 minutes to calm down so I don’t say something I regret. I promise we will talk about this at 7pm.”

This does two important things:

1. It honours the need for space.

2. It provides containment for the partner who needs reassurance.

Space without reassurance feels like abandonment.
Reassurance without space can feel like overwhelm.

Healthy relationships learn to hold both.

This is where boundaries become collaborative rather than defensive. A boundary is not, “This is what I need, deal with it.” A healthy boundary sounds more like, “This is what I need to function well, how can we make this work for both of us?” It's usually easier to establish these boundaries before an argument occurs. Even though it feels weird to talk to your partner about confrontation when things are happy, you might find that it saves you guys some heartache later on. 

Couples who thrive understand that sometimes needs take turns. Not because one person is more important, but because timing matters. Today your nervous system might need calming. Tomorrow your partner’s might.

And here’s the harder piece: it is not your partner’s job to regulate you entirely. They can support you, but they cannot be the sole manager of your anxiety, anger, or distress. That work belongs to each individual. My biggest advice to couples who are looking for couples' therapy... go and get your own therapist and then come back to me in a few months if you still haven't got this figured out. 

When both people take responsibility for their own regulation, compromises feel less threatening.

If you are the partner who needs space, your growth edge may be learning how to reassure before withdrawing.

If you are the partner who needs immediate resolution, your growth edge may be tolerating short-term discomfort without pursuing.

This isn’t about winning. It’s about building emotional safety.

In couples therapy, I often say: the relationship itself has needs. It needs respect. It needs repair. It needs both people to feel heard. When you shift from “me vs you” to “us vs the problem,” the power struggle softens.

So whose needs are more important?

Both.
And neither.

The real priority isn’t the individual need in that moment; it’s protecting the long-term health of the relationship.

And that requires flexibility, communication, and a willingness to see your partner’s coping strategy not as an attack, but as information.

Until next time- be kind to your mind.

—The Therapist Diaries

 

For professional inquiries please visit Voyager Therapy