Hello and Welcome Back to The Therapist Diaries,
In the United States, many of us have just wrapped up
celebrations for Thanksgiving, a holiday where friends and family come together
and enjoy each other's company. It's not, however, always as joyful as it
seems. As many of you know, one of my gigs as a Trauma Therapist is to work for
the Mobile Crisis Hotline. This week I went to assess a teenager at the
hospital, and she said something which really struck me. She said, "I hate
it when the house is full of people. I feel so lonely, and I hate it." At
first, I thought she had misspoken. What does she mean she feels lonely when
the house is full of people? Surely that makes her feel the opposite. I asked
her to repeat herself and she said the same thing again. She hadn't misspoken
the first time; I just hadn't heard her.
The truth is that loneliness is a complicated emotion, and
it often shows up in ways that don’t seem to make sense. Many people come to
therapy feeling confused or ashamed because, even though they have supportive
friends, a loving partner, or a caring family, they still feel painfully alone.
They wonder what’s wrong with them or why they can’t feel connected the way
they think they “should.” But emotional loneliness isn’t about the number of
people in your life. It’s about the experience of feeling unseen,
misunderstood, or unable to truly lean on anyone, even in a room full of people
who care.
For many, this feeling begins long before their current
relationships. If you grew up in an environment where you had to be
independent, navigate instability, or stay emotionally guarded to feel safe,
your nervous system may still believe that relying on others is risky. Even
now, with genuinely supportive people around you, your body might react as if
it’s still your job to carry everything alone.
There’s a world of difference between having support
available and feeling safe enough to receive it.
It’s also possible to feel lonely because the people in your
life, while kind and well-meaning, may not be emotionally attuned in the way
you need. They may care deeply but struggle to understand your internal world
or offer the kind of emotional presence that truly lands for you. Someone can
love you and still not know how to hold space for your feelings, and that gap
can create a deep sense of isolation.
For others, the loneliness can come from playing the role of
the “strong one.” When you’re used to being the helper or the responsible one,
it can feel uncomfortable or even wrong to ask for support. You become so
practiced at carrying everything yourself that letting someone in feels unfamiliar,
and you default back to self-reliance even when you’re exhausted.
When we talk about emotional loneliness, we’re really
talking about vulnerability. Many people have learned that sharing their
feelings leads to being dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood. Comments like
“You’re overthinking” or “You’re fine” may come from good intentions, but they
can teach you that emotional expression isn’t welcome. Over time, you might
stop sharing entirely, becoming surrounded by people but disconnected from them
at the same time. When our mental health is struggling it can become even worse
because depression, anxiety, trauma, and chronic stress can make it harder to
feel connected, even when support is present and genuine.
But the truth is, you are not alone, and there are ways to
help minimize those lonely feelings. Healing feelings of loneliness starts with
acknowledging where those feelings came from. Instead of judging yourself for
the way you feel, try gently asking when you first learned that you had to
manage everything alone. Understanding the roots of this belief helps you
notice when your reactions are coming from past experiences rather than your
present reality. From there, the work is in allowing yourself to be supported
in small, manageable ways, accepting help with something simple, letting
someone know you’re having a tough day, or allowing yourself to be honest
instead of pretending you’re okay. Receiving support is a skill, and like any
skill, it becomes easier the more you practice it.
It also helps to name clearly what you need from others.
Many people want to support you but aren’t sure how. Sometimes you don’t need
someone to fix anything, you just need them to sit with you, listen without
judgment, or simply be present. The more you can articulate what feels helpful,
the easier it becomes for people to show up in ways that feel meaningful. Part
of this process may also involve loosening your grip on the identity of being
the strong one. Strength doesn’t have to mean isolation. True strength
often looks like allowing others to show up for you the same way you show up
for them.
It’s important, too, to notice which relationships feel
emotionally safe. Pay attention to the people who make you feel seen and supported
and allow yourself to lean more into those connections. At the same time, it’s
okay to hold boundaries around sharing with people who consistently dismiss or
misunderstand your emotions.
If this kind of loneliness has been part of your life for a
long time, working with a therapist can be especially healing. Therapy offers a
space where you don’t have to be strong, where you can practice being
vulnerable, and where someone is trained to understand your emotional
experience with depth and care.
Feeling lonely when you’re surrounded by people isn’t a sign
that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that something inside you is
asking to be understood and supported in a different way. You deserve
relationships where you can show up fully as yourself, where you don’t have to
carry everything alone, and where connection feels safe and possible.
Loneliness doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or dramatic or broken. It means you’re
human and you’re ready for a different kind of connection.
Until next time- be kind to your mind.
—The Therapist Diaries
For professional inquiries please visit Voyager Therapy
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