When Things Don't Work Out: Coping with Disappointment

Hello and Welcome Back to The Therapist Diaries, 

We’ve all been there: you pour your time, energy, and heart into something, whether it’s a new job application, a relationship, a creative project, or even a personal goal, and despite your best efforts, it just doesn’t work out. The promotion goes to someone else. The relationship ends. The exam you studied for doesn’t go the way you hoped.

It’s normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even defeated in these moments. Disappointment is a very human emotion, but it doesn’t have to define the way you move forward.

Why Disappointment Hurts So Much

When we invest in something, we’re not just investing time or effort, we’re also investing hope. Hope bridges the gap between despair and possibility, it keeps us tethered to the idea that things can improve, even in our darkest moments. It fuels resilience, giving meaning to struggle and endurance in the face of uncertainty. Hope is deeply personal, stirring powerful feelings of vulnerability, courage, and longing. In contrast, disappointment is the crash that happens when reality doesn’t match that hope. It can leave us questioning our worth, doubting our abilities, or fearing future attempts.

Healthy Ways to Cope When Things Don’t Work Out

1. Acknowledge the Feeling
   Too often, people try to “push through” disappointment or tell themselves to just get over it. But the first step to healing is allowing yourself to feel the sting. It’s okay to say, “I’m really disappointed right now.” Naming it takes away some of its power. And by the way, whatever emotion or feeling pops up is totally normal and acceptable and allowed. Give yourself the dignity and the grace to sit with it for a little while.
2. Separate Effort from Outcome
   Just because something didn’t work out doesn’t mean you failed. Effort and outcome are not always directly linked, there are often factors outside our control. Try to recognize what was within your control and give yourself credit for the commitment and perseverance you showed.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
   It’s easy to slip into self-criticism: “I wasn’t good enough” or “I shouldn’t have even tried.” Instead, speak to yourself the way you would speak to a close friend who was hurting: “You worked hard.” “I’m sorry it didn’t work out this time.”
4. Look for the Lesson (Without Forcing It)
   Personally, I’m a big believer in “everything happens for a reason” and “everything on God’s time”. Sometimes there’s a clear takeaway, maybe a skill to improve, a new direction to explore, or a lesson about boundaries. Other times, the “lesson” is simply learning how to sit with disappointment and keep going. Both are valid. Figure out what you can take from this experience and leave what doesn’t serve you.
5. Take a Break Before Trying Again
   Disappointment can drain your energy. Before jumping into the next project or goal, give yourself space to rest and reset. Small acts of self-care, like connecting with supportive people (see the last post on Support Teams), spending time outdoors, or engaging in calming activities, can help replenish your resilience.
6. Reframe the Narrative
   What if this setback is not the end of your story, but just one chapter? Sometimes, not getting what we hoped for opens doors we didn’t even know were possible. Instead of saying “I failed” try telling yourself, “I did well on … but I could do to learn more about …”

Moving Forward with Hope

Disappointment can feel like a roadblock, but it’s often just a detour. Feeling disappointed about something just means that you care a lot about it. And caring about something too much has never been a crime. The fact that you worked hard at something means you were willing to invest in yourself and your future and that in itself is something to be proud of.

If disappointment feels overwhelming or is keeping you from moving forward, talking with a therapist can help you process your feelings and find new paths of growth.

You are not defined by the things that didn’t work out, you are defined by your courage to keep showing up for yourself.

And so, when things don’t work out, when the job falls through, the relationship ends, or the goal slips just out of reach, it’s okay to feel the weight of disappointment. Acknowledge it. Grieve it. But don’t stay there. In this post, we explored how to face disappointment with honesty, build resilience by regulating emotions, and shift perspective to see failure as part of growth, not the end of the story. At the heart of it all is a simple but powerful truth: the only back-up plan you need is to get back up. As the ex-Liverpool FC captain, Steven Gerrard once said, “We go again.” Let that be your reminder that even in the face of setbacks, there is always another step forward.

Until next time- be kind to your mind.

—The Therapist Diaries

 

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