The Words of Others and Tips For Self Confidence

 Hello and welcome back to The Therapist Diaries, 

I want to start today’s post with a quick check-in. Take a deep breath and gently ask yourself, How am I feeling? What do I have to do today? Am I in the best mental space to do it?

This is actually a small but powerful task my own therapist suggested to me. One that has become a kind of lifeline on chaotic days. It acts as a grounding tool, gently pulling us back to the present moment. But more than that, it gives us permission to be honest with ourselves. To admit when we’re not okay. To notice what we’re holding. And to not push ourselves past our limits just to keep up appearances.

It’s a moment of self-kindness, and today, I needed that reminder.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how easy it is to internalize someone’s criticism, even when I logically know it says more about them than me. One negative or critical comment can take up permanent residence in my mind, echoing, twisting, expanding,while kind words slide off like rain on glass. As someone who supports others through self-worth work every day, and also still grapples with my own confidence, I’ve seen just how universal this struggle is.

From a psychological standpoint, this isn’t surprising. Our brains have something called a negativity bias, a survival mechanism that causes us to latch onto threats more than neutral or positive information. In earlier human history, being hyper-aware of danger (or disapproval) could literally save your life.

Now? It mostly just makes us anxious in social settings and overly critical of ourselves.

So when someone says something harsh or even something that we perceive as harsh, especially if we’re already self-conscious, our brain goes, “Danger! Pay attention!” Meanwhile, the compliment we got earlier in the day fades into the background noise. It's not fair, but it is very human.

When we feel insecure, it becomes harder to trust other people. We second-guess their intentions. We filter their words through our own fear. We pull away when we really want connection, or worse, we shape-shift to fit what we think will make us acceptable.

In relationships, this can look like:

Assuming people are upset with us, even when they’re not

Struggling to believe we’re loved or wanted

Becoming overly accommodating or conflict-avoidant

Silencing ourselves to avoid being judged

I’ve had clients describe the exhaustion of constantly scanning their interactions for signs of rejection. I’ve done that too. But what we’re really looking for in those moments is safety, a sense of being okay, just as we are.

So who’s job is it to build our self confidence? 

Let’s be real: we don’t grow up with perfect mirrors. If we didn’t receive unconditional support or if we were exposed to criticism early on, we likely internalized the belief that something was wrong with us.

So yes, the way people have treated us has absolutely shaped our self-perception.

But here’s the empowering (and frustrating) truth: while others can influence our confidence, they can’t build it for us. It’s our responsibility to unlearn the lies and rewrite the story.

That said, healing is relational. We need safe people - therapists, friends, mentors - who reflect our worth back to us when we can’t see it. But ultimately, confidence is an inside job. It's not about becoming flawless. It’s about becoming aware of your worth, your voice, and your right to take up space.

Here are tools I come back to again and again, in my work and in my personal healing to help build self confidence. 

1. The Inner Critic Audit

Start noticing what you say to yourself. Would you speak that way to someone you love? If not, that’s a sign the inner critic is running the show, and it’s time to interrupt that pattern.

2. Self-Compassion Over Perfection

Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” try, “What do I need right now?” Speak to yourself like you would to a child or close friend. Gently. Kindly. With patience.

3. Track the Good

Keep a small note on your phone of compliments, encouragements, and things you’re proud of. Your brain won’t remember them on its own, you need to remind it.

4. Build Through Action

Confidence grows when we do things that align with our values. Even small steps count. Show up for yourself. Make that call. Say no when you mean no. That’s where self-trust lives.

5. Protect Your Energy

Surround yourself with people who reflect your worth, not distort it. Set boundaries. Step away from chronic critics. You’re allowed to choose your emotional environment.

6. Get Support

If these patterns feel deeply rooted, therapy can help you make sense of where they started, and how to heal them. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Let’s end the way we started, with honesty.

How am I feeling now, after reading this?

Is there one small thing I can do today to support myself?

What would it look like to believe, even a little, that I’m already enough?

If nothing else, let this post be a gentle reminder:

You are not broken.

You’re not behind.

You are becoming.

One kind word, one deep breath, and one grounded choice at a time.

Until next time- be kind to your mind.

—The Therapist Diaries

For professional inquiries please reach out to georgina.m.lloyd@outlook.com