Hello and welcome back to The Therapist Diaries!
For this Wellness Wednesday post, I'm going to let you in on some tips to help you find the best therapist for you, because therapy should feel like a safe place, not just another appointment on your calendar. And if it doesn’t feel like a good fit, it’s okay to admit that something’s not working. In fact, that awareness is a form of progress.
I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me saying, “I tried therapy before, but it didn’t really help.” More often than not, it’s not that therapy as a whole failed, it’s that the relationship with their therapist wasn’t quite right. And that’s something we as therapists don’t talk to clients about enough. We get so focused on starting the therapy that we sometimes forget some basic introduction and foundational work such as giving client's guidance on how to advocate for themselves in terms of therapy and providers meeting their needs.
Let’s rewind for a second. Say you’re thinking about starting therapy. Maybe you're going through a breakup. Maybe anxiety’s been creeping into your mornings. Or maybe you just feel stuck. You finally decide to go for it… and then realize: Wait, how do I even find a therapist?
That part alone can be overwhelming. There are dozens of websites, hundreds of facebook profiles, endless credentials. You’re scrolling through terms like CBT, DBT, EMDR, ART, somatic, trauma-informed, psychodynamic, strengths based...and wondering what any of it even means. You check if they take your insurance. If they’re accepting new clients. If they’re virtual or in person. Then you get stuck trying to decide between three profiles that sound basically the same, and think: Am I overthinking this?
You're not. This is a big decision. You're choosing someone to walk with you through your most personal, tender moments. It’s okay to want that person to feel like a good match.
Here’s what I tell people: start with the basics. Use a therapist directory like Psychology Today or Therapy Den. (In the UK I recommend looking at BACP or UKCP) Filter by what matters to you, whether that’s insurance, specialization, cultural background, or even just whether they work with your age group or offer appointments at a certain time. If you’re unsure, schedule a few consultation calls. These are short, no-pressure chats that help you get a sense of someone’s vibe before committing to a full session. Think of it like a first date, but for your mental health. A lot of therapists (private pay included) offer free consultation time so it's very low risk for the client to reach out and have that initial conversation.
Now, let’s talk about the part no one prepares you for: what happens when you finally do find a therapist… and it just doesn’t click.
Maybe you’re sitting in your third session, and something feels off. You're talking, but you don't feel understood. Or worse, you feel judged. Maybe the therapist keeps redirecting you to topics you’re not ready to unpack. Maybe you leave each session thinking, What just happened?
Sometimes that means the therapist isn’t the right fit. Other times, it means the modality or approach isn’t right for you, but it’s hard to tell which is which when you’re new to all of this.
Look at the modality first. Sometimes it’s not the therapist it’s the approach they’re using. Therapy modalities like CBT, ART, psychodynamic therapy, or somatic work all have different goals, pacing, and styles. You might notice that you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected, not because of the therapist’s personality, but because the framework just isn’t clicking for you. That’s okay. You don’t need to know all the clinical terms to speak up. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed this approach isn’t resonating with me, can we talk about trying something different?” or “I’m not sure this is helping in the way I need right now.” A good therapist will welcome that feedback and either adjust their approach or help you find someone who offers a modality better suited to your needs. Therapy should be collaborative which means you get to have a say in how it works.
So, how do you know when it really is the therapist that's not working out?
Here’s what I look for: If you leave sessions consistently feeling more confused than comforted. If you don’t feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable. If your therapist talks at you instead of with you. If you bring up something difficult and it gets brushed aside or minimized. These are signs that this dynamic might not be the one for you.
And it’s okay to say so. Seriously.
Therapy is not one-size-fits-all. We don’t vibe with every doctor, teacher, or coworker and therapists are no different. That doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you. It just means this therapist might not be.
On the flip side, what does a good therapist relationship look like?
It feels safe, but not passive. You feel challenged but not judged. You feel lighter after discussing heavy topics. You’re allowed to be messy, uncertain, tearful, sarcastic, silent, whatever version of you shows up that day is welcome. A good therapist listens more than they speak, but when they do speak, you feel seen. You leave every session feeling as though something important was addressed.
Now, let me be honest, it won’t always feel good. Sometimes therapy is uncomfortable because it’s working. We grow by facing things we’ve avoided. But there’s a difference between discomfort that leads to insight, and discomfort that just feels like disconnection. One is healing. The other is draining.
So, if you’re sitting in therapy wondering, Is this helping? give yourself permission to ask the question out loud. A good therapist will welcome that conversation. They won’t take it personally. In fact, it can be a turning point, either toward deepening the work or helping you transition to someone who might be a better match.
If it turns out you do need a new therapist, please know you’re not “starting over.” You’re advocating for yourself. And that, in itself, is therapeutic.
Finding the right therapist is a process. Sometimes it’s quick, sometimes it takes a few tries. Be patient. Trust your gut. Know that you deserve a space where you feel safe, challenged, respected, and supported. That space is possible and that person is out there.
Don’t give up. You’re worth the effort it takes to find the right fit.
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